To Dominican Republic, with Love

Finding my way back, feeling the pulse of life again thanks to this beautiful country and its heart melting humans

Someone asked me how my trip was and I my lips parted to speak but no words came out and the long pause left me wondering why I had to think so much. Why was I being....so dramatic? Perhaps the whirlwind of emotions and things I experienced were too deep to fit into one word or expression that normally people expect you to say or exclaim in response – incredible! Beautiful! Amazing!....It was all of that but so much more. My emotions and experiences were ahead of what my brain could process and logically put into words and sentences.

Booking a one way ticket to Dominican Republic and packing couple of hours before leaving, I clearly did not plan nor imagine nor expect how my adventure would unfold, even less about what the experience could do to me. Safe to say, there was a distinct pre DR me and a post DR me - it was truly a gift to make it onto the other side and experience an even better version than before. What more could I ask for?

I got myself to Dominican Republic but didn’t realize how much I needed it. It was transforming, coming home in many ways.

I walked away with less yet so much more.

I am so glad the ocean, the people of Dominican Republic just pulled me into their orbit and made me a part of their lives even as a foreigner whom they didn’t know so unconditionally, even when I had nothing to offer. Not even a promise to return.

They were warm, super chill, incredibly generous and genuine. It was so moving just being around them and their infectious energy. It melted my heart. I could trust again and their kindness restored my faith in humans which had been quite shaken in the past year.

I knew lack of trust was not an intelligent way to exist, quite exhausting to be honest and trust was quintessential for peace of mind and quality of life, just being totally involved and in the moment but I did need to experience something different to counter the experiences I had and until then the shift would just not happen. No matter how much my mind counseled and intellectualized it, I had to experience, live it.

They brought back the glint in my eyes, the spark in my heart, the spring in my step. By the end of it my being was bursting like a firecracker yet had the tranquility of a steady flame. I found the pulse of life again or rather, it found me! What more could I ask for?

For once you have operated in the high zone for a duration of time, in sync with life, fully alive, it is difficult to fool yourself. It is impossible to settle for anything less.

I missed myself SO much.

That effervescence, curious, light, in love with life girl sometimes annoyingly energetic and sometimes (okay many a times) chaotic but totally alive. Who had something to offer and didn’t feel scarcity within. Of course there were ups and downs but she would find her way and come back to her normal, find a reason to smile and maybe make others smile a little too.

DR fixed what I was struggling to fix for a good part of the last year, since April to be precise. Nothing was wrong, not anything I could put a finger on and that made it even more difficult. If there is a particular point in one’s body that is hurting, it is painful but it helps to know where the pain is, focus on that part and do something about it. But what if one for some reason could not identify the source or location of the pain or it just lowers the level of functioning one is used to and took for granted?

Where does one start and what does one do?

Perhaps a convoluted analogy but I was not suffering a particular situation or thing or person but the inability to feel anything intensely, almost as if my emotions were entirely missing. I was neither incredibly happy nor sad, just felt stuck somewhere in the middle.

A friend said maybe it was me becoming more balanced and calmer. As a person with high energy and operating on extremes, I would appreciate some balance. But this did not feel right. She said it might just be me becoming calmer but this seemed like regressing not progressing and I could not reconcile.

Life felt dry. For starters, as someone who pays attention to lyrics and gets moved by music, even my favorite songs did not invoke emotions in me and that was a sign.

I was grateful to be present for some unique and important moments in my life in the past year, some that I had waited for years. But was I there in the entirety of my being? I would be lying if I said yes. I was unable to deeply feel or cry even in a moving once in a lifetime kind of event. Then I felt guilty of not having the same zeal, excitement and emotion and being able to share it with my most dear ones.

What happened to my excitement for life? Where was the girl who slept because she had to and dreamed of somehow expanding the hours in the day because there was so much to do, explore, learn?

Why couldn’t I snap out of it? Why was it suddenly so difficult waking up in the morning and exercising? Where was my motivation? Why was there a weird inertia in my body that wanted to snooze alarms, was reluctant to get up and get going? Why was I trying to avoid life? I did not recognize this version of me, it was alien and I not only disliked it, I despised it.

I talked to a friend who said I might be burnt out and calling the university mental health and being asked if I was suicidal was kind of a shock and sent a chill down my spine. For the first time with shaky fingers I googled burn out and depression. It was deeply unsettling to even engage with the idea that it might be happening to me and that I might need professional help.

I know and fully agree, very hypocritical of me because if anyone else shared something and I couldn’t help them, I would tell them there was no shame or hesitation is seeking an expert who knows how to deal with it, with conviction. But to accept it for myself was ridden with self doubt and questioning myself how I had lost control to bounce back.

How had it come to this?? I did take the first step to talk to a counsellor and then seek therapy and just acknowledging that it is okay if I need help and shaking off the feeling of being defeated lifted some weight. And even this I would admit, felt like an achievement. Long wait times and increasing work load however made me shift focus to keeping up with work and sticking to timelines as I could not afford to fall behind again.

I tried to keep myself engaged and sometimes distract myself from feeling the need to fix something through nature, walks, dance but it didn’t have the same effect. Because I was trying to produce joy out of doing certain things but it wasn’t coming from within. Having been touched deeply by sunsets and nature, as someone who found wonder in small things, I couldn’t recognize this person who wasn’t inspired or truly moved by anything in months.

I questioned myself, a lot.

Was I being ungrateful? In many ways I was living my dream and had such an incredible opportunity, should I be more grateful and push myself? Was I making excuses? Was I wasting time and this chance I finally got? Had I become complacent or lazy? Why was I losing interest in everything?

For the first time in my life, I did not want to by myself. I have been independent and enjoyed my own company, even preferred that at times, travelled solo a lot so it has never bothered me if I am by myself and so this was also very new for me. I feared falling deeper into it and spiraling down more if I was by myself.

Was this dependency on other people? Why wasn’t I at ease with myself? What was I trying to get from other people? Was it an escape? What was I avoiding?

October. A few months in, and it still didn’t leave me. It partly scared and saddened me thinking of how long it would last? I was becoming resigned. Was this the new normal as some people had suggested?

A horrific war starting also failed to produce tears. How had I become so desensitized? Was I a heartless human? Or just numb?

Or was it a consequence of being strong for too long?

For my part, I tried. Seriously. Sometimes maybe too much.

I tried self love, tough love and everything in between – I was kind to myself, let myself slack for a bit, reduced belittling myself when I got up late, then tried being harsh and a taskmaster - whatever that could get me out of this stagnated zone. But that spark and drive was missing and everything seemed so effortful and burdensome.

I was desperate to get back and I was willing to do anything, put in how much ever effort was required. I had tried to make peace with my current state and I just could not reconcile and be okay with it. There was an increasing sense of resignation, hopelessness because whatever I tried wasn’t working. Trying was also exhausting and waiting, time passing by was also not shifting anything.

I felt stuck. Indefinitely.

And it was scary.

What was even more debilitating was this feeling that I had nothing to give.

I noticed I was not as keen to meet people too as I felt I didn’t have anything to offer. Even if people could not tell, I could. Very clearly. When I hugged them, it wasn’t the same transfer of energy, joy and warmth like usual. Even talking about this seemed like dumping it on a friend, burdening them and bringing the energy down especially because there didn’t seemed to be a solution nor an accurate description of where, why and how I found myself stuck. I also checked myself for feeling entitled to people’s time – everyone was busy, had their own stuff going on, demanding time from them meant taking away what they needed to do and making myself more important. I did reach out to a few friends and I am glad I did. I can’t tell them how much it meant to me.

I didn’t know how it happened but the ocean and this beautiful country have my heart for the reverse osmosis they did, extracting all that I had accumulated, letting me drop it and taking me into their fold to be vulnerable, open,  reunite with my soul, hit refresh and start with a clean slate.

I cried on my last day on the bus back.

Part of me didn’t want to leave and part of me was glad I had booked a non-changeable return flight so I could not extend my trip.

Forgiveness is not my forte and this was a lesson I learnt the hard way of how much it can weigh on me and cause damage to me more than anyone else. I had moved on mentally but had not worked out the emotions and the tension accumulated in my body.

Till then I had followed the strategy of delete and move on. However difficult or tempting in the moment, once I had made up my mind and could see something or someone is not good for me I would not look back. But life has its own way of teaching hard nuts like me who don’t relent easily, at least not without giving a good fight. They need to crack a little to get it. Painful yes, but also needed.

Sure you can eliminate some people if they cross you but what do you with the ones you can’t eliminate? I realized accepting and letting go are two very different things. Accepting is the first step of processing, letting go is the consequence of fully processing and reaching a point of clarity where one can make an active choice, however hard it may be.

I still was left with the question what the hell was happening? What led to it building up to this point? Why was I caught off-guard? Why did I lose clarity? What was I missing? And perhaps most importantly what could I do differently? What was I sub-consciously avoiding or not addressing?

To deal with it better and not lose myself in the process and to watch for signs and act early to avoid the build up and the subsequent crash.

So another post on lessons learnt and what I am doing about it, coming up next!